Chapter IX: Unrequited Love
Jade rinsed her mouth out with water from the bathroom sink. She wished she had mouthwash at school. She spit out the cold tap water, but still tasted the emesis in her mouth. Maybe Amber or Crystal would have some gum.
Jade splashed some water on her face. She still felt shaky and sick. The gravity of what she had just done turned her stomach inside out. How could she have let a dead girl talk her into such violence? Did she? Maya wasn’t even talking to her when she started choking Adam’s new girlfriend. That came from Jade. Where did that anger come from? It wasn’t just anger, though. It was hate. Jade had never thought of herself as a hateful person. The experience scared her more than when she had been having nightmares about Iblis, more even than when she had first seen Maya, more than anything else in her life.
Jade put a hand on her belly and walked slowly out of the girls’ bathroom. Her head was hung in shame. She stared at the floor, and wasn’t watching where she was going. She walked right into a fellow student.
“Sorry,” she muttered. Then she looked up and noticed who it was she had bumped into. “Adam? I’m so sorry. I was feeling sick and I wasn’t paying attention and…”
“It’s okay, Jade, no worries. Have you seen Jenny?”
“Who?”
“Nevermind. How’s Ruby doing?”
“Really well, from what I’ve been told.” She brightened as she said this. Thinking of Ruby took her mind of Maya and almost strangling…did Adam say her name was Jenny?
“You mean you haven’t seen her?”
“Oh, um,” Jade was distracted by the question, “no, I was sick the last time we were all supposed to go and visit her, so I couldn’t make it.”
“Oh. Well, I hope you’re feeling better.”
“Yeah. Oh, I am seeing her tonight.”
“Could you tell me how she is?”
“Sure.”
“Here, let me give you my phone number.” Adam dug into his backpack for a piece of paper and a pen. He tore out a page from one of his notebooks and jotted down a number. “Here.” He handed her the paper. “Could you call me tonight when you get back from the hospital?”
“Yeah.”
This is great! I have Adam’s phone number in my hand, and he wants me to call him tonight!
“Thank you, Jade. I’m glad to have met you. I wish it were under different circumstances. Maybe we can all hang out sometime when Ruby gets out of the hospital.”
“Yeah,” Jade said, nodding with enthusiasm.
“Thanks again, Jade. Bye.”
“Bye, Adam!” She watched him walk away. She wanted to yell, ‘I love you!’ at the top of her lungs, but held it back.
Jade sat on the city bus again. This time her mood was quite different. She was happy and excited as she stared at the piece of paper with Adam’s digits on it. She carefully studied how he formed each letter in his name, as if she were an expert on handwriting analysis. She examined each number, and how he wrote them. She even looked at the dashes in his phone number. She poured over every mark on the paper with the thoroughness of a detective trying to solve a crime.
The boy did not have the best penmanship in the word, most guys didn’t, but it was certainly not the worst she’d seen. It was, at least, legible. She stared in awe at the writing as though it were an ancient manuscript or some sort of holy relic. She could not tear her eyes away from it. She wanted to kiss the paper, but feared that someone would see her do it and think her crazy.
Finally, the bus arrived at her stop. Jade folded the paper up and stuffed it back into her pocket. As soon as she walked off the bus and into the hospital parking lot, her thoughts once more returned to Ruby. The entire trip over Jade had not once thought of her. Adam had taken over her mind. There was room for nothing else.
Ruby was looking better. She was out of the hospital gown and pj pants and back into her normal clothes. Though she still wore no makeup, her hair was not the mess it had been when Jade first came to visit her. She even smelled better.
“Jade!” yelled Ruby as she reached out to envelop her friend in a hug. “I’m sorry you were sick. It’s great to see you again.”
“Hi, Ruby,” replied Jade. “I missed you, too.”
After a round of hugs and initial greetings, the four sat down at the same table in the same visiting room as before. Off to the side, a psych tech sat and observed the visit.
“So how have you been, Jade,” asked Ruby, “aside from being sick, of course?”
“Good,” she lied. “I mean, you know, the same. Status quo.”
“I know what you mean. Things don’t change for what seems like forever, and then when they do, it’s like, they change dramatically all of a sudden.”
“Yeah, I think I know what you mean. So how have you been?”
“Better. They’ve got on me Lexapro for my anxiety and depression, and it seems to be working. I think they’re gonna let me out here pretty soon.”
“I’ve never known you to have anxiety or depression. Ever. You’re always a happy person.”
“Yeah, but, since the incident…”
“Yeah, I guess that would shake me up quite a lot, too.”
“So how are you two?” she asked Amber and Crystal.
The girls talked, but not about anything important. Gossip. Girl talk. Really trivial matters. Amber and Crystal spoke about school stuff. Ruby mentioned some cute boys she had met while in the hospital, but wouldn’t ever date because they were “crazier than I am,” as she had put it.
Jade barely participated in the conversation now. She mostly sat and listened. She wondered why they spoke of such unimportant things. Ruby was locked up in a mental hospital for a very serious suicide attempt. Had her friends all forgotten that? Had Ruby? Why wasn’t she steering the conversation to more serious matters? Why weren’t they talking about what happened? Then again, maybe Jade was over-reacting. Perhaps, she thought, I only want to talk about this because of my own guilt about the incident. Maybe this is one of those ego-defense mechanisms her psych teacher had talked about. Maybe the gossip and gab was her friends’ way of coping with the situation. If they did nothing but talk about what happened, would they all go crazy?
Finally, the tech informed the group that they only had a few more minutes left and to wrap up their conversation. Crystal decided to end the discussion on a dramatic note with the biggest news of the evening: she had her eye on a cute girl at school that she thought might be liking her.
“Oh yeah?” replied Ruby. “You think she’s gay, too?”
“Well, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I caught her checking me out.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” replied Crystal, smiling and blushing a bit, “I think she was looking at my ass.”
“And what a nice ass it is,”stated Ruby. “If I were gay, or even bi-curious, I’d reach out and grab it. Or at least, I’d want to.”
“Maybe you are, and you just don’t know it.”
Off to the side, the psych tech was laughing. Ruby noticed him.
“I think Brian over there was checking out your ass, too.”
“I was not,” replied Brian. “I was just laughing about the conversation you two were having.”
“Yeah, whatever, Brian. I know you think my friends are hot.” The girls all stood up to leave, when Ruby suddenly thought of one more thing she wanted to say. “Oh, Jade, by the way, how is Adam? Has he been asking about me at all?”
“Adam? Uh…,” Jade suddenly became flustered. She averted her eyes from Ruby and her twirling finger suddenly reached down to find a lock of hair. “Yeah, he’s okay.”
“Has he asked about me at all?”
Jade looked back at Ruby, their eyes meeting again. Jade could see that her friend’s were wide and bright. There was a look of excited anticipation written on her face, eagerly awaiting Jade’s answer. “Yeah, he asked if you were okay.”
“I knew it!” Ruby yelled. “He loves me! I can’t wait to see him when I get out of here!”
Jade’s left hand involuntarily balled up into a fist. Her teeth clenched together tightly. Her heart rate picked up and her face suddenly felt warm. Her fight or flight instincts were gearing up for fight mode. Her eyes met Ruby’s again, and she gave her friend a look of death. A horrified look of recognition instantly appeared in Ruby’s eyes.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Jade?”
Jade blinked and her eyes returned to normal. “What? What look?”
“That look you just gave me. I know it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s the same look you gave me when I was naked in the hallway. And you were standing right outside the bathroom, just feet from me. It’s like you knew what was going to happen.”
Sensing the mounting tension, Crystal attempted to intervene. Putting an arm around Jade, she said, “Come on, Jade. I think it’s time for us to go now.”
For his part, the psych tech, Brian, had now stood up and looked ready to jump into action.
“Don’t try to rescue her, Crystal. We need to talk about this. Right now.”
Brian walked forward a few steps closer to Ruby. “Your friend’s right, Ruby. It is time to go now.”
“No, not yet! I’m gonna have my say first!”
Everyone froze. No one was quite sure what to do. Brian had now inched one step closer to Ruby. Crystal still had her hands on Jade, readying herself for a quick get-away, if necessary. All were thinking, hoping, that perhaps Ruby would just let off a little steam and then calm down.
“It was all too perfect, Jade,” continued Ruby. “You were in the exact right place at the exact right time. You knew what was going to happen. Maybe you even planned it somehow.”
“Ruby, how could I…”
“And that look you gave me, I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was a look of hate. You hated me then.” Ruby began to tear up. “It was a look of vengeance, too, and righteous indignation. You know what that look said to me, Jade? Do you know?!”
Jade just shook her head. She couldn’t speak. No one could. Everyone in the room just looked at Ruby in stunned silence.
“It said to me: Ha. Ha. Now you get yours, bitch. That’s what that look said to me.”
“Ruby, I…I couldn’t…I didn’t…”
“Don’t try to deny it, Jade. I know you did it. You planned it. I don’t know how, but you did. “
“Alright, Jade…” began Brian.
“Shut up, Brian! I’m gonna have my say!”
“Ruby...,” Crystal tried to interject. It was a bad thing to say. Ruby’s eyes widened suddenly. She got a new idea.
“Wait, I know how! You’re a witch! You and Crystal both! You got together with her and used black magic against me. You probably used that damn Ouija board. You two plotted against me!”
“Ruby, I don’t know black magic!” protested Crystal. “That stuff’s evil and it always comes back on you. I would never use it, even if I did know it.”
“Alright, that’s enough,” said Brian. “We’re done. Let’s go, Ruby.”
“Fuck you!”
Brian reached for his radio. “Can I get security over here in the visiting room, please?”
“You’re an evil witch, Jade! You plotted against me! You caused all this, and I’m gonna kill you for it!” With that, Ruby jumped up on the table that separated her from Jade and Crystal. As she prepared to attack her former friends, two things happened in the blink of an eye: First, Crystal, hands still on Jade, pulled her friend to the ground and covered her body with her own. Like a parent protecting her child, Crystal was prepared to take the first blows she was sure were coming. At almost that same instant, though, Brian grabbed Ruby off the table and brought her down to the floor. A second later, security arrived.
Ruby kicked and screamed.”Let go of me, you bastard!” She struggled and squirmed, flailing her arms and legs about wildly, but Brian held her firmly to the ground in what he and his co-workers referred to as a “floor-assisted restraint.”
Security ran in and helped immediately, one officer grabbing her legs and another one of her arms. They held her down as other techs came rushing into the room.
“Get them outta here!” screamed Brian.
One of the other techs quietly escorted Jade, Amber and Crystal out of the room. On their way out, Jade saw the English nurse whom they had met before come in holding a syringe with a very long needle on the end of it. She watched in horror, now from outside the room, as the nurse knelt down and gave Ruby a shot in her backside.
“Come on,” instructed the tech, ushering them all further away from the pandemonium in the visiting room. When they were all safely outside the Adolescent Unit, the tech added, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Jade was very shaken up by now. In fact, she was literally shaking as she wiped tears away from her eyes.
“What happened?” she asked. Her voice seemed to be shaking as much as her hands. “How can Ruby think those things about us?”
“She’s a very sick little girl,” replied the tech. “She’s not herself.”
“She can’t think we’d hurt her. We love her. She loves us.”
“I know it’s hard to understand. Hell, I don’t understand it, myself. All I can tell you is that something has gone wrong in her brain. The Ruby you know is still in there somewhere, and once she’s better you won’t even be able to tell she was sick. She’ll be your friend again.”
Jade did not really understand or believe the tech’s explanation. It was hard for her to imagine that Ruby could ever be well again after what they had just witnessed. It was like some bad sci-fi movie, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or something. She could hardly believe that was really Ruby in there. It was like she was replaced by some evil spirit. Jade thought she could now understand why people used to believe in demonic possession. Ruby certainly acted like she had been possessed.
“What’s going to happen now?” asked Amber.
“She’s been given a sedative to help her relax. Probably Ativan. She’ll take a little nap. We’ll write this up in our notes, the doctor will read them, and she’ll make some adjustments to Ruby’s meds.”
“Then will she be better?”
“Sometimes it takes a little while to find just the right combination of meds, but don’t worry, we will. We have great doctors here. They’ll figure it out. Ruby will walk out of here good as new. You’ll never know she was sick.”
On the way to the hospital, Jade had been looking forward to calling Adam when she got home. Now, she was dreading it. As she sat silently in Crystal’s car, she wondered what she would tell him. The truth? That his would-be girlfriend was a psycho chick who believed she and Crystal were wicked witches mixing potions and casting hexes? How would he take that? And could she even tell that story? Jade felt like an emotional wreck right now and wasn’t sure she could relive what happened, even enough to tell Adam. So should she lie about it? ‘Hi, Adam! Ruby’s doing great. She sends her love.’ He’d find out the truth eventually. She was giving herself a headache just thinking about it.
When Crystal dropped her off, Jade came home to an empty house. Mom was working late tonight. Jade plopped herself down on the couch and took out her cell phone. She dialed Adam’s digits. She checked them several times to make sure she keyed them in correctly. She hesitated for a minute before finally pushing the send button. She had dreamed of calling Adam for months, and now she was finally doing it. She was nervous.
The phone rang. The butterflies were doing their dance again in her stomach. Her heart seemed to jump up into her throat when she heard the first ring. The phone rang again. Would he really be there? Was this the right number? Did he write it down correctly? What if he deliberately gave her a fake number? But why would he do that? A third ring. Jade’s stomach was really tied in knots now. ‘Come on,’ she thought. ‘Pick up.’ She bobbed her head up and down impatiently. She was getting really scared he might not pick up. A fourth ring. Tears began to well up in her eyes.
“Hello?”
“Adam?!” Her heart jumped up into her throat again as she said his name.
“Jade. Hi.”
Jade swallowed. Her mouth had dried up due to her nervousness.
“Jade?”
“Hi, Adam. I’m here.” She wiped her eyes dry and tried to compose herself.
“How’s Ruby?” Jade hesitated. What to say?
“Jade?”
“She’s much better! I think she’ll be coming home soon.”
“That’s great news! I’m so happy to hear that!”
Jade silently cursed herself for telling such a whopper. She could have at least told Adam that Ruby was doing ‘okay,’ or that she was ‘showing signs of improvement,’ or something else to that effect. Much better? Coming home soon? That couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Yeah, me, too,” was all she could say.
“Thank you so much for calling me, Jade. You’re such a good friend to Ruby.”
That was a stab in the heart. With friends like Jade, who needs enemies? The guilt she’d thought she pushed away began to eat away at her again.
“Uh, yeah. No problem.”
“Well, I should get going. Got some homework to finish up. Thanks again for the call.”
“Yeah.”
“Goodnight, Jade.”
As Adam was saying goodnight to her, something awoke in Jade. She panicked. One second before he hung up, Jade shouted, “Wait, Adam!”
“What’s wrong, Jade?”
“I…wanted to ask you something real quick.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“Did you…I mean…” She hesitated. Could she really go through with it? Well, no turning back now. She had to ask him. “I was wondering if you might want to go out sometime.” There, she said it. “Maybe for coffee or something. You know, to talk.”
“Yeah, I think that would be great. “ Yes! Jade allowed herself a smile of triumph. She was just about to start dancing around the room when he added, “I think we should all hang out sometime when Ruby gets out of the hospital.”
No! Not with Ruby! Jade screwed up her face in frustration. She took a deep breath and pressed on. “No, I mean…just you and I.”
There was a long pause of several seconds. ‘Uh oh,’ thought Jade.
“You mean like a date?” Adam finally asked.
That didn’t sound good. Jade tried to save herself, but only stammered. “Well, I mean…no…unless…I mean…you wanted it to be a date, then…well…that would be okay with me.”
Another long pause. Jade was kicking herself for going on like a babbling idiot, and she probably sounded so desperate, too.
“I’m sorry, Jade. I must have said some things that were confusing to you. I didn’t mean to imply…I mean…well…” Now Adam was stammering. “Jade, I like you, don’t get me wrong. I think you’re a nice person and a wonderful friend to Ruby, and I really am glad to have finally become acquainted with you, but…”
But? There was a but? Jade could feel the tears welling up again.
“I’m not interested in you in any way other than as a friend. Ruby is the only girl that I like that way. I’m sorry.”
“Just Ruby? What about that one girl I saw you with the other day?”
“Who? Oh, Jenny. No, she’s just a friend. It’s Ruby who’s stole my heart.”
The tears were now falling from her eyes in little rivers.
“I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to get to know you ‘cause you were Ruby’s friend. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” replied Jade, wiping her eyes dry. “My mistake.”
“I hope we can still be friends.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well I gotta go now. Goodnight, Jade.”
“Goodnight.”
Jade heard a click and a dial tone. She listened to it for several seconds before finally hitting the end button on her cell phone. For a long moment she just stood rooted to one spot, silently staring off into space, in shock. Finally, she started to cry again. At first, just the silent crying where the tears roll quietly down your cheek while you make no sound. Soon, however, it progressed to the heavy sobbing, the kind where it’s hard to catch your breath.
Jade couldn’t believe it was over, that this was really the end of the road for her and Adam. All this time she was afraid of rejection, afraid that if she ever did actually talk to him that he would reject her. Now he had. It wasn’t some irrational fear anymore, no longer some nightmare scenario she conjured up in her mind. It was real. He rejected her. It was all over. The thought made her sob like it was the end of everything she held dear, everything that was important to her.
Then it made her angry. Slowly, a white-hot shimmering ball of anger grew in the pit of her stomach and spread throughout her body. She started to scream. She screamed at the top of her lungs, as loud of a noise as her tiny body could make. She screamed and jumped. She jumped up and down in fury, stomping hard on the wooden floor. She waved her arms around as she jumped and stomped, flailing them about randomly. She looked like a crazy person. If anyone had seen her they would have called someone to lock her up like Ruby.
She kicked the couch, and hurt her foot. She screamed louder, now out of pain as well as anger. She threw her cell phone down on the ground. She screamed again, then took a few deep breaths. She was out of breath now. Sweat drenched her forehead. She began to calm down as an idea took form in her head. Alcohol. She needed a drink.
Immediately, she ran upstairs to find the key to her mother’s liquor cabinet. After she caught Jade drinking, she had threatened to keep the key in her purse, so Jade could never get too it, but Jade knew better. She knew very well that her mom would be afraid of losing her purse, or having it stolen, thus losing access to the liquor herself. Instead she had found new hiding spot. Jade knew where it was. It was in the one spot she figured Jade would never look: under Jade’s bed. She found it there, taped right next to where she had written ‘Jade + Iblis/Friends Forever’ as a child. Jade grabbed the key and rushed back downstairs to the kitchen.
With shaking hands, she opened the cabinet. She reached for a fresh, full bottle of vodka and opened it up. She drank greedily, as someone dying of thirst in the dessert might take in water. She didn’t even bother with a cup. She just took it straight from the bottle. As usual, a lot of it spilled out and landed in puddles on the kitchen floor. She downed half the bottle in less than a minute, then sat down on the floor. She started to cry again.
Her sobbing picked up where it had left off. She took sips of vodka in between sobs. She cried, wailed and moaned as she drank herself into oblivion. Jade was having a pity party, and she was the only guest. She could do nothing but drink and feel sorry for herself. As her wallowing got deeper, she began to slide from a sitting position, leaning up against the cupboards, to an almost-lying down one. Her right hand lay on her belly, while her left one gripped tightly the now almost-empty vodka bottle. The arm was dangling loosely from her body, bottle resting on the floor. Jade looked a drunken mess.
As if her appearance couldn’t get any worse, she burped loudly then threw up a little. The vomit leaked down her chin and onto her shirt. Jade hardly seemed to care. She sat quietly in her misery for a moment, then suddenly her anger flared up again. She screamed and flung the vodka bottle as hard as she could at the floor. It shattered into what looked like a million tiny pieces of jagged glass. Jade cried again for a few more moments, then slowly got on her hands and knees. She crawled over to where the bottle had broken. On her way over, she burped and threw up again. She ignored the puddle of sick on the kitchen floor and crawled right through it. She picked up one of the larger pieces of glass. It came to a sharp point, like a knife.
Jade sat back down, leaning up against the cupboards again. She took the glass shard and started cutting up on her arms. She carved red lines on each limb, in no particular pattern. The wounds stung, but the pain felt good to Jade. She started to wake up. Her mood improved. She stopped crying and continued the cutting with the concentration of a surgeon or an artist. Little rivers of blood gushed from her wounds and trickled down her arms and onto the floor.
Finally, the alcohol took over and Jade began to feel drowsy again. She put the glass down and passed out. She fell sideways onto the floor, looking as though she had just fallen asleep. Blood and vomit and tiny shards of glass surrounded her. Then to add insult to injury, Jade lost control of her bladder. She wet herself as she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
A few minutes later, Jade’s mother came home.
“Jade, I’m home. Jade, I…JADE!!!”
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Subject: Shadowman Chapter IX 
Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:44 pm
